OBAMA IN TROUBLE WITH NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE

From a great blog humorpedia.com

From a great blog humorpedia.com

The former secretary of the Nobel Prize committee expressed disappointment in President Barack Obama yesterday, saying that he failed to live up to the committee’s expectations. The committee didn’t achieve what the committee had hoped for.” We thought giving him the Nobel Prize would strengthen Obama and it didn’t have this effect.”

Even though the Obama experiment of rewarding potential rather than performance did not work in Obama’s case, the committee will not abandon the experiment. For example, a spokesman who could not be identified because he was not authorized to speak, spoke, saying “The committee is considering giving the prize to Bernie Sanders, who is running for U.S. president and could use the help.” Another politician the committee might like to boost is Britain’s new Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn. “We like what they stand for and receiving the Nobel Prize would strengthen either of them.They have great potential. A joint prize might be in order.”

The spokesman denied there had been any discussion of asking Obama to return the 10 million Swedish krona prize. “He still has a year on his term. Maybe he will surprise us and do something prize-worthy. Of course, if he doesn’t, he could always follow in Jimmy Carter’s footsteps and do good works, build houses, watch elections, travel to North Korea, things like that. Maybe even go to Jerusalem and criticize Israel. We won’t ask for the money back as long as he shows any potential at all ”

SEQUESTER VIOLATES MARRIAGE VOWS, SPOUSE CLAIMS

angry coupleWhen John Rockefeller Smith told Priscilla, his wife of fifteen years, that he was placing a five per cent Sequester on her spending, she thought it was a mere threat and that her husband would lift the Sequester as soon as she told her staff to stop serving caviar before dinner and that she could not afford to entertain his business guests at the Smith mansion.

 

How wrong she was. Smith will not lift the Sequester until Priscilla cuts her spending, and Priscilla will not cut her spending unless she is given additional sources of revenue. Smith says he has no more sources of revenue. Priscilla replied, “Go to the Chinese loan company. They’re happy to lend to you.”

“We already owe the Chinese loan company six times my annual income.”

“So what?” Priscilla said.

“You’ll think differently when they foreclose on our house.”

The parties are at a stalemate, and Priscilla has threatened to terminate her long-standing contract for fresh flowers daily, an action that might put the local florist out of business, unable to supply the Smiths when conditions return to normal. The same goes for the caviar vendor and the chandelier polisher.

The Sequester is a harsh thing. It applies across-the-board to all of Mrs. Smith’s spending, affecting designer shoes and handbags, dresses, hair stylists, yardmen and maids, in fact everyone who has been the recipient of Smith largess in the past.

J. Rockefeller Smith (not a member of the Rockefeller family) claims that Mrs. Smith could find the 5% easily. He points out that what is being cut is not 5% of last year’s spending, but 5% of future increases in spending. “It’s not a cut at all. Priscilla is a Harvard graduate. Surely she understands that she has the same amount to spend that she   had last year, which is 50% more than she had ten years ago. All the Sequester does is reduce future increases by 5%. Plus we don’t have to pay the Iraqi cook or the Afghan gardener, because they’ve gone home, and native illegals are much cheaper.”

Mrs. Smith denies this. “I have a very careful baseline budget,” she says tearfully. “Everything is always more expensive next year than it was this year. How can I keep up with the Romanovs if I can’t spend more next year than I did this year?

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It’s just wrong. These are drastic cuts, and they will affect every supplier that we use. The Hohenzollerns and the Bourbons all tried spending cuts and it hasn’t worked. The Verdis have nearly divorced over it, and they’re Catholic. The Zorbas had to sell out and leave. The whole gated community is suffering, and the families are very depressed, although I don’t like to use that word.” She took this reporter for a ride in her Bentley. “I’ve upgraded my car every year.  What will happen when I replace this thing next year? How can I live?”

She thought for a minute, and then said. “There’s only one thing to do. I’ll have to stop my contribution to the Salvation Army.”

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PAIN MONITOR WILL REDUCE MEDICAL COSTS

obamacare-this-is-going-to-hurt

Scientists announced a new scan that can measure the amount of pain that a patient is experiencing. ObamaCare officials immediately embraced the test and ordered thousands of the scanners. Only patients registering 90% on the pain monitor will be eligible for treatment.

pain scale

Doctors are spending too much time treating pain that really doesn’t need to be treated, an administration source explained. “Once  people realize they can’t get a painkiller any old time they want one, maybe they will learn to grin and bear it. Our forefathers had a much higher pain tolerance than we do. So do the Chinese.” 

Persons denied an operation or prescription because they do not hurt enough may appeal to the Federal Death Panel, which is being renamed the Painless Death Court. It’s motto is “You don’t hurt unless we say you hurt.”

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U. S. ARMY RESPONDS TO SEQUESTER

The Army announced today that, because of the Sequester, it will be necessary for it to cut 5% from the military budget. “This drastic cut calls for sacrifices from all of us, and a reduction in the level of national security,” an Army spokesman said.

 Accordingly, only every third combat soldier will be issued a weapon. This is not as extreme as it may seem, because the Army will be given weapons confiscated at airports. “While the pen knives, hairpins, razor blades, box cutters and other sharp objects are not the type of weapon the troops have used in the past, we are confident that our new flexible training program will make them proficient in their use.”

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In addition, artillery costs will now be reduced so that half of the propelled weapons firers will be made of balsa wood. “This worked well for the French at the Maginot Line during World War II,” a spokesman said. “You will recall, we did win that war.”

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The cuts will require additional training and administration, so high level staff is being added at the Pentagon and at command posts in Hawaii and Florida. Travel budgets have been increased as well.   

“Hey,” the spokesman added. “We don’t want to do this, but if you don’t like it, talk to your Congressman.”

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