GIVE IT BACK, AUSTRALIAN, FRENCH AND BRITISH SAY

Photo owned by memegenerator.net

Photo owned by memegenerator.net

In 1983  officials visiting from Adelaide, Australia, gifted Austin, its sister city, a large opal brooch now worth tens of thousands of dollars. In return, Austin gave a bronze longhorn valued at $1,200.

According to reports in the Austin American Statesman, the Adelaide City Council wants the opal back. “If it’s just being put away and not really valued, then we thought it would be a nice historical thing to put it back where it belonged,” Adelaide City Councillor Anne Moran said.

The Australian request has stirred up other countries wanting their gifts back. The French Cultural Heritage Commission has requested the return of the Statue of Liberty. “It just sits out on that island all alone. It needs to come back to the environment where it was made, Paris, the greatest city in the world,” a Commission spokesman said. The plan is to re-erect it  opposite the Eiffel Tower on the Trocadero. “You know the language on it, ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free’? We French have all these immigrants now and you are building a wall. It just works better here.”

The British have also filed a request. They are seeking the return of Cornwallis’ sword, surrendered at the Battle of Yorktown. There are various accounts of what became of the surrender sword after the battle: some claim General Washington kept it for a few years and then had it returned to Lord Cornwallis, while some believe the sword remains in America’s possession, perhaps in the White House. Other reports say it was last seen when Harry Truman wore it to a Knights of Columbus celebration and lost it in a poker game. “If you ain’t got it, you can’t give it back,” a State Department source said.

OBAMA IN TROUBLE WITH NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE

From a great blog humorpedia.com

From a great blog humorpedia.com

The former secretary of the Nobel Prize committee expressed disappointment in President Barack Obama yesterday, saying that he failed to live up to the committee’s expectations. The committee didn’t achieve what the committee had hoped for.” We thought giving him the Nobel Prize would strengthen Obama and it didn’t have this effect.”

Even though the Obama experiment of rewarding potential rather than performance did not work in Obama’s case, the committee will not abandon the experiment. For example, a spokesman who could not be identified because he was not authorized to speak, spoke, saying “The committee is considering giving the prize to Bernie Sanders, who is running for U.S. president and could use the help.” Another politician the committee might like to boost is Britain’s new Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn. “We like what they stand for and receiving the Nobel Prize would strengthen either of them.They have great potential. A joint prize might be in order.”

The spokesman denied there had been any discussion of asking Obama to return the 10 million Swedish krona prize. “He still has a year on his term. Maybe he will surprise us and do something prize-worthy. Of course, if he doesn’t, he could always follow in Jimmy Carter’s footsteps and do good works, build houses, watch elections, travel to North Korea, things like that. Maybe even go to Jerusalem and criticize Israel. We won’t ask for the money back as long as he shows any potential at all ”

PUBLIC OFFICIALS STAND STRONG AGAINST SIN

Photo by our friends at Heavy.com

Photo by our friends at Heavy.com

The Association of Deeply Religious Public Officials has urged its members to follow the example of the Kentucky county clerk who has refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples because to do so would betray her conscience and her god. ADPRO released a statement urging its thousands of members to be  “front-line soldiers” in the fight against sin and “root it out of our national life, the way the Founding Fathers and Jesus intended.”

Already, an Arkansas liquor board clerk stopped issuing liquor licenses because his religion forbids the use of alcohol.  “I refuse to further the drinking of spirits. If I have to go to jail because of my conscience, at least I’ll be in the company of men who are not drinking.”

A building department official in Chicago refused to issue a building permit to a drug store because it sold contraceptive devices, which “deeply offended” his Catholic teachings. “Just say no or risk your immortal soul,” the official implored young people.

A move theater occupancy permit in Atlanta was refused by an official when he learned the owners intended to screen “Gone With the Wind” without deleting Rhett Butler’s famous last words, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a d..n.” The clerk said, “I do not go to the motion pictures, so I cannot say for certain, but my pastor has told me that even worse swear works are being used in movies. I find that hard to believe.”

In Waco a permit to operate loudspeakers past eight o’clock at night was refused by a local official because they were to be used to play music for dancing. “Dancing is a sin, has always been a sin and will always be a sin, regardless what the president of Baylor University says,” the official said.

PC WATCHDOG RATES COLLEGE ANTHEMS

The Monitoring and Mentoring Association  or “MAMA”, whose mission is to root out political incorrectness from our national life, has released its annual report on political incorrectness in college and university alma maters, together with suggestions for correcting the incorrectness.  MAMA’s report covers every anthem of every college and university in the country. The following are its findings and recommendations for some area colleges:

UT_BevoUNIVERSITY OF TEXAS

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

All the live long day.

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

You can not get away.

Do not think you can escape them

At night or early in the morn

The Eyes of Texas are upon you

‘Till Gabriel blows his horn.

Critique:

“Eyes” is exclusionary and opthalcentric, diminishing the self-worth of the visually challenged. Suggested change: “All those senses available to us.”

“Texas” denigrates the claims of Mexico and its historical rights. Use “Tejas” or “Occupiers of the land wrested from Mexico by force of arms.”

“’Til Gabriel, etc.” is an intrusion of religion into public life and is unconstitutional. Correct language: “’Til our time on this planet is done.”

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OKLAHOMA UNIVERSITY

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner

Boomer Sooner, OK U!

Critique:  Sooners is the name given to settlers attempting to claim lands appropriated from Native Americans in what is now the state of Oklahoma, before they were officially open to settlement. The term is objectionable for at least two reasons: it praises those who broke the rules by entering the territory earlier than was lawful; but more important, it ignores the rights of Native Americans, whose land was taken by the Indian (sic) Appropriations Act of 1889. Finding a single term to replace “Sooner” is difficult. “Cheaters” or “Lawbreakers” has been suggested, but the task is so difficult that MAMA suggests the University adopt the generic anthem described below. See T.C.U.

BaylorBear_1_2
BAYLOR UNIVERSITY

That Good Old Baylor Line

That Good Old Baylor Line

We’ll march forever down the years

As long as stars shall shine

We’ll fling our green and gold afar

To light the ways of time

And guide us as we onward go

That Good Old Baylor Line!

Critique: This is a rare instance in which the school song has hidden meanings of protest and demand for personal freedom from the strictures of a White Male Dominated Western European Judeo-Christian society. The term “line” used so often in the anthem, obviously refers to a dose of a powdered narcotic or hallucinatory drug, especially cocaine or heroin, laid out in a line. The words “green and gold” thus must have reference to the inequality of this culture, in which only those with stacks of greenbacks or bags of gold can have free access to drugs while the vast majority are left out once again and forced to resort to criminal activity to participate in the hallucinatory world. Suggested change: Accept and embrace the message of the anthem by making it explicit. Substitute “crack” and “blow” for “line”  and “the common fruits of society” for “green and gold.”

Superfrog
TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY

Hail all hail, Glory bright

Purple Frogs, Honor White

Victory, Spirits True

Praise to Thee, TCU

Critique: The T.C.U. anthem has been awarded the MAMA award for the most politically correct alma mater in the nation. It has absolutely no overtones of history, politics, social division or other awkward attributes. For that reason, it is proposed by MAMA as the perfect alma mater and can be used by any college with only minor changes. It can also be song to any tune whatsoever. Thus:

Hail all hail, Glory bright

(Insert primary school color) (Insert team nickname or mascot), Honor (Insert secondary school color)

Victory, Spirits True

Praise to Thee, (Insert School Name.)

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RESTUDY OF PSYCH STUDIES REVEALS STUDIES ARE FLAWED

11442225495_0ff925eda3_oAccording to the Associated Press a review of studies published by three major psychology journals determined that the results could only be replicated forty percent of the time. The failure could be explained by one or more, or none, of the following:

  1. The original study was wrong.
  2. The original study was right but the re-study was wrong.
  3. Both studies were wrong, but the wrong result in the second study did not mean that the first study was either right or wrong.
  4. Both studies were right but the first study was wrong, but for some other reason. Or vice versa

    Prominent psychologists refused to accept the results of the re-study and called for a new study to determine if the re-study of the original studies could be replicated or was itself fatally flawed, in which case the original studies might be correct, or not.Federal funding of these studies will be continued “until we have an answer,” an official at the National Endowment for the Restudy of Psychological Studies stated unequivocally. “We need to know which of the studies are correct. Otherwise we will have just wasted taxpayers’ money, and we have several studies that indicate that taxpayers do not like that. Although, we need to study those studies further. They may be flawed.”

BIRDS THREATEN OUR HOMELAND

George_P._Bush_by_Gage_SkidmoreTexas Land Commissioner George P. Bush has been quoted as “implying” that Endangered Species protection for the golden-cheek warbler weakens America’s fight against terrorism. They not only interfere with training exercises at the Fort Hood military base, but it appears that the warblers can be outfitted with miniature explosive devices and trained to drop them on large gatherings, such as a college football game or through the opening in the roof of Cowboy Stadium. One spokesman, who could be identified by name because he was not authorized to speak, spoke, saying, “If one of those damned birds drops a bomb on Tony Romo and Dallas loses the Super Bowl, it will be the environmentalists’ fault, that is for sure.”

Thus far there are no reports of golden-cheek warriors actually bombing any targets in this country, but terrorist bird fanciers have been secretly observed teaching the birds to carry large objects in their golden cheeks. The warblers have also been trained to drop large amounts of bird waste on armored vehicles at Fort Hood, requiring manpower to clean the vehicles. “This diverts assets from the War on Terror,” the unspeakable spokesman said. “It’s obviously in ISIS’ interest. You connect the poop.”

The golden-cheek warbler terrorist cell apparently has no direct connection with the seagull cell operating in California, which has been observed leaving unpleasant material in Tippi Hedren’s back yard.  “They are part of the same effort to radicalize domestic birds,” the unidentified spokesman said. “House canaries will be next. ISIS is coming after us where we live.”

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